if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
#Caturday
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!