Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Feels
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Swedish for common sense.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.