When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.