Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.