Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
You Might Also Like
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Who’s your best friend?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
asked my bf how work was today
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE