Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?