~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My love language is hissing.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.