I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
tinder is all about the long game
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
What even happened today?
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Expectations vs. Reality
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.