*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
new wife guy just dropped
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.