Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Choose your fighter
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.