You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.