Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey