My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Monday
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.