*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
nobody’s gonna understand
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.