Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
You Might Also Like
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The news is so predictable nowadays
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Saw online –
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT