Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.