Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Happy Halloween 🎃
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone