My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’ve had relationships like this
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]