i will avenge u mr van gogh
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.