My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
🤣🤣🤣
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.