GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body