[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Aight bet
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed