Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
still the best tweet of the year by far
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity