You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”