Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk