Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Well well well…
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.