Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.