At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.