A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)