This makes total sense…
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A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.