“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.