Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.