today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
what my late-night hot pocket sees
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”