Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.