How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Good morning
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??