Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
You Might Also Like
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do