Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.