TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.