Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.