What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill