It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
If a snake ate a cake
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??