Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
That’s classic.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
FRED: right
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’ve had relationships like this