You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Duck typos.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower