Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT