“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
What even happened today?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever