“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”