My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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The Joker was right
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I just love that new Pope smell.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
everyone has that one prude friend
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.