philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
also my go-to takeaway order
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy