It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”