went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name